A letter from one mother to another, and to every adult who walks alongside our young people.
This week I read a BBC article whose headline stopped me: Young people are expected to grow up without being shown how. Almost 4,000 young people aged 11 to 18 across England were surveyed, and many said they're leaving childhood without the practical skills, confidence and support they need for adulthood. Four in ten said they're worried about deciding what to do with their future, with nowhere to explore it.
I read it as a mother of a 13-year-old boy and an 11-year-old girl, and I felt it in my body.
Closer to home
This isn't only England's story. A Western Cape study found that a third of young adolescents show symptoms of depression, and suicide accounts for around 9% of teenage deaths in South Africa :-( , with the numbers rising. Meanwhile our teachers, the adults our children spend most of their waking hours with, are stretched to breaking point and burning out.
Our young people are standing at the threshold of adulthood, and too often there's no one there to meet them.
My own confession
Many of the parenting strategies my parents used simply don't fit the world my children are growing up in. I watched technology arrive in our lives unguarded and unmanaged, exposing children to things far beyond what their young minds are ready for.
My response was fear. I chose Steiner schooling in the early years to keep my children out of a tech environment. We had no iPads in the house until they were ten and twelve, and even now the parental controls are extreme.
But I've had to be honest with myself: that came from anxiety and powerlessness. It isn't a strategy for connection. Boundaries matter enormously, but there's a difference between a boundary and a barrier.
Going to where my son is
In one of my women's circles, a quiet young woman in her thirties shared how she'd found real friendship and community through gaming, something she struggled to find in the outside world. I asked her what she'd ask of parents now that she's an adult.
She said: Take an interest in their online world. Don't shun it or judge it. Be curious. Ask questions. It matters to them, and they'll connect with you if you do.
So I'm choosing to be the adult in the room. Leo loves Minecraft. Instead of a wall, we have a boundary: an hour to an hour and a half on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and none Monday to Thursday. When he plays, I take an interest, even though it's not my world.
And I invite his own agency. Is it reasonable to spend that much of your waking life in a digital world? Sometimes, after a whole day outside, it is reasonable to play a little longer. We reach an agreement together, not a top-down decree. That's what I call the golden link of connection.
How the golden link is built
It's built through deep listening, and that's what circle work gives a family. Each person holds the talking object, and nobody interrupts or tells them they're wrong. They share their rose (something good), their thorn (something hard), their banana peel (something funny), their seed (a wish or vision), and their shooting star (someone they'd like to thank).
When we truly listen, we notice how much of our own expectation we project onto our children. And from there, we can co-create a way forward together.
What our children are missing
The BBC article names it plainly: youth clubs are disappearing and there's nowhere for young people to go. What's really missing is the Rite of Passage, the guided transition from boy to man, girl to woman, child to young adult. As Dr Arne Rubinstein teaches, our young people need to pass through this second birth well held, by adults who know how.
This is why I'm bringing the Rites of Passage Leadership Training to South Africa, with Dr Arne Rubinstein, on 5 to 7 March 2027 at Cherry Glamping in Elgin.
Over three embodied, residential days you'll learn the framework of healthy transitions: how to hold young people in the in-between, liminal space, and how to use story, rather than teaching, preaching or telling, as a tool for transformation at home and at school. When a whole community practises this together, it becomes normal, and our young people start bringing their inner worlds to the trusted adults around them, instead of only to their peers or the internet.
It's already happening
This week the teachers of St Augustine's, who trained with us, sent their first Year 9 cohort off on a Rite of Passage camp, with real excitement and anticipation from parents. They're turning an activity camp into a transformational experience, one that involves the boys, their parents and their teachers.
Bring it to your school
If you'd love this in your child's school, I'd be glad to help you start the conversation. Reply to this email and I'll send you a short video from Arne and our schools information to share with your principal or teachers.
And if you're a parent who'd rather meet the teen years with connection than fear, come and learn alongside me.
Join the Rites of Passage Leadership Training – South Africa 2027
With love,
P xx